Lost my keys


To the editor,


I lost my keys the other day -- there one second, gone the next. I know -- you never have this happen. I scoured the house, even looking in previously unexplored places, like behind the toilet. I was losing my mind.

So my heart goes out to the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW). They’re heading to the sun-drenched paradise of Syria to locate and destroy all the country’s chemical arms. Syria (motto: We love yogurt.) says it will cooperate with the US-Russia orchestrated mission -- endorsed by the UN Security Council. Someone had to endorse it and the UN was just down the block looking for something to do.

 I know all about cooperating. Why, just the other day I vacuumed the living room with a trained monkey’s enthusiasm. I don’t even mind wearing the funny hat and little red vest. I say those Syria government type persons are to be commended for wanting to pitch in and help.

Syria is small, about the size of other tiny countries, like North Dakota. A real plus when finding things. Of course, you still have to know where to look. This is where the OPCW will need help.

 It’ll just take a convivial, sunscreen-plastered Syrian guide, and those chemical weapons are as good as gone. The OPCW will be tooling through the quaint village of Sheikh Helal (aka. Sheikhville) and the guide will point toward a deserted Kmart and say, “Look over there, maybe you find something.”

Syria’s Foreign Minister, Walid Muallem (pronounced “Walt Miller”), said that seven out of the 19 chemical weapons sites are in combat zones. This will require a healthy collection of white flags, Suburbans plated with ¼” steel, and in-vehicle restrooms. Fortunately, there are only 19 because in a country where each square mile = 4014489600 square inches you could have one fantastic Easter egg hunt.

It’s trivial once the chemicals are located. The OPCW staff is specially trained to gather up the “stuff” and flush it down the nearest toilet. A garbage disposal also works but, in semi-developed villages, that usually consists of a goat or aging aunt.

I’m thinking locating all of Syrian’s chemical weapons is like finding the proverbial “college freshman in the library?” One hint for the ol’ OPCW, look on the stool upstairs by the small dormer window. That’s where my keys were.


Joe Barnhart